Saying goodbye has never been my strong suit.

I never thought this word would become part of my vocabulary, but as I'm sitting here, looking for a word to describe how I'm feeling...it's the only one that seems to fit.

Jaded.

Definition: worn out, wearied, exhausted or lacking enthusiasm, due to age or experience


I remember when I was younger, even when I was in high school, I had so much love for life.

Things affected me deeply. I could feel extreme joy just from listening to a song I loved. Or extreme pain from a hurtful word. I could walk outside and feel the sunshine and feel like I was alive. I was just so in tune to everything happening around me.

I used to write, all the time. I used to sit on my porch and drink coffee. I used to play notes on the piano just because it made me smile. I used to lounge around and read books all day long, without a care in the world. I used to draw whatever popped into my head.

I used to.

I don't do those things anymore. And maybe it's just because "I'm growing up" blah blah blah blah blah. But I don't know. I think something more has happened. I feel almost incapable of doing those things. And I don't like it. And if growing up means losing the ability to appreciate life and feel deeply...I would really like to stay young forever.

I think maybe part of it stems from what I've seen. The past couple of years I've been traveling and I've had to stare at things head on that I could never in my mind have imagined. And I've seen images and heard stories that I will never get out of my head. I've heard stories of four year old girls being sold as prostitutes. And little boys living on the streets and having to sniff glue just to forget they are alive. And I've seen huge, sad eyes look up at me and know that they weren't going to eat the next day...or the day after that. I've worked with children who have been abused...as young as the age of one. I've seen hopelessness and despair.

And now, as hard as I try not to, I feel bitter. And I know I shouldn't. I know I need to set aside those feelings and fight for these kids...for these families. I know that's what I am supposed to do. But right now, I can't. I keep thinking of the Ingrid Michaelson lyrics:

I want to change the world, but instead...I sleep.

Why am I sleeping?

Something needs to change here. I refuse to be jaded.

It's just that knitting and reading books and sitting on my bed chatting with friends through a computer...

I'm so torn between this decision.

When the words aren't coming
And my life feels dry
And I can't seem to find that switch
That makes everything better
And tells me exactly what I'm supposed to do

And when my ears aren't hearing from God
And my mind is rushing with "what if's"
And I'm screaming inside of myself


Sometimes I google

"What does God want me to do with my life?"


No joke.

(Kids--don't try this at home)


That's not the answer, I know. But it makes me giggle. So I guess it does it's job :)