Why must goodbyes really be goodbye?
Amanda
Saying goodbye has never been my strong suit.
I have a weakness when it comes to letting people go...I can't.
I hold on to everyone and everything.
It's always been like that.

Break-ups that would have taken people months to get over, take me years.
Friendships that go sour leave me sad and bitter long past the time my heart should have mended.

I just love people and I don't ever want to lose the ones that are in my life.
As I've grown up, I have realized that this is not always realistic...that sometimes it is better for my heart and for others to separate and head opposite ways. That sometimes it is just inevitable.

But there is this one...this one relationship...this one friendship that I just can't seem to get past.
It's haunted me for years.
It's followed me everywhere.
I've always brought it with me.

But I think I need to say goodbye.
And I just don't know how.

Just the thought of a single adventure I've had with this person...the thought of a single look they have given me...a single smile on their face...and I'm in tears.
They are probably one of the nearest and dearest people to my heart and the sad thing is that they will never understand that.
They will never understand the pure love I felt. The pure happiness I had just driving in a car with them. Or the pure joy I felt at watching them meet and connect with every person that came in their pathway.

I've never experienced life so vividly as I did with them.

But unfortunately that time has passed.
And I'm just not sure what to do about it.
Everything in my life is telling me to let go of the past.
I need to.
But how?

Will I ever see life as vividly?
Will I ever feel so deeply and love so wildly?
Will I ever connect with a person in the same way?
Will I ever experience that sense of adventure to the very core of my being?
Will I ever be alive again?

So dramatic, but so true to what my heart is feeling.
I can't lie about it...

How do I let go?

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Jaded?
Amanda
I never thought this word would become part of my vocabulary, but as I'm sitting here, looking for a word to describe how I'm feeling...it's the only one that seems to fit.

Jaded.

Definition: worn out, wearied, exhausted or lacking enthusiasm, due to age or experience


I remember when I was younger, even when I was in high school, I had so much love for life.

Things affected me deeply. I could feel extreme joy just from listening to a song I loved. Or extreme pain from a hurtful word. I could walk outside and feel the sunshine and feel like I was alive. I was just so in tune to everything happening around me.

I used to write, all the time. I used to sit on my porch and drink coffee. I used to play notes on the piano just because it made me smile. I used to lounge around and read books all day long, without a care in the world. I used to draw whatever popped into my head.

I used to.

I don't do those things anymore. And maybe it's just because "I'm growing up" blah blah blah blah blah. But I don't know. I think something more has happened. I feel almost incapable of doing those things. And I don't like it. And if growing up means losing the ability to appreciate life and feel deeply...I would really like to stay young forever.

I think maybe part of it stems from what I've seen. The past couple of years I've been traveling and I've had to stare at things head on that I could never in my mind have imagined. And I've seen images and heard stories that I will never get out of my head. I've heard stories of four year old girls being sold as prostitutes. And little boys living on the streets and having to sniff glue just to forget they are alive. And I've seen huge, sad eyes look up at me and know that they weren't going to eat the next day...or the day after that. I've worked with children who have been abused...as young as the age of one. I've seen hopelessness and despair.

And now, as hard as I try not to, I feel bitter. And I know I shouldn't. I know I need to set aside those feelings and fight for these kids...for these families. I know that's what I am supposed to do. But right now, I can't. I keep thinking of the Ingrid Michaelson lyrics:

I want to change the world, but instead...I sleep.

Why am I sleeping?

Something needs to change here. I refuse to be jaded.
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